Frustrations
Today has been a day of frustrations. Everything is frustrating me to no end but most of my frustration circles around one underlying thing. Cancer. I am frustrated that I have cancer. I am frustrated and overwhelmed.
I am frustrated by the way people treat my cancer. Whether it be the tech doing my uptake scan, the doctor doing my biopsy or just someone I happen to be discussing with what has been happening, they all say the same thing, “If you have to have cancer, this is the best one to have.” And I one hundred percent agree – if you have to be dealt the cancer card in life, this cancer is, for the most part, treatable and the survival rate is around 99%. I never let that escape my mind because I know that there are people battling much worse cancers and illnesses. My frustration occurs when some people take it one step further and tell me it is the “easy cancer.” Easy? Trust me, there is nothing “easy” about this cancer.
I am frustrated that I can look my mom in the eye and tell her not to spend her time trying to figure out why this is happening. That there is no reason I have cancer and nothing we could have done to prevent it. Yet I still spend hours each night doing the exact thing I have told her not to do.
I am frustrated when I look in the mirror. My bandages came off and my mom and Brian said, “It looks good!” or “Your surgeon did a great job!” And I repeat in my head like a mantra – it’s not that bad – but in reality all I see is an awful mess. A three and a half inch awful mess across my neck. And in defense of my surgeon, he did do an excellent job. I just don’t see it that way right now because it is too soon for me to have the perspective I need. Pre-op he drew a line on my neck of where the incision would be and he tried to put it in a neck fold or a wrinkle line. But finally he threw his hands up and said, “You have no wrinkles!” Thanks, mom, for the good genes!
I am frustrated that in the course of less than I week I will have had surgery, discovered I have cancer, and will have yet another surgery. It is quite a bit to handle in that short of a time span. I suppose my ultimate frustration lies in having to have this second surgery and my anxiety is getting the best of me. The thought of going through the recovery process, the pain, the unveiling of the new scar, all of it…it is wearing on me.
Okay, really I am not trying to sound like a whiny mess! I just wish it was Tuesday morning so I can get the surgery done and over with. I am looking forward to getting through this phase and the subsequent treatments more than I can express so I can enjoy normal life again!
hey kelly, the obvious probably doesn’t need to be said, but so sorry to hear the news… its times like these that we look to inner strength and the strength of those around us. i know you already are, though… mom had the same cancer about 10 years ago. it was a tough time. on her and on our family, but everyone rallied, she recovered quickly, and has been perfectly fine ever since… we heard all the same stuff about being the best cancer to get, yada yada yada… all well and good until you or a loved one gets it. but we went into immediate research mode and learned everything they were saying was true. keep you head up as best as possible, stay strong and positive, this turn life has presented will not take you off course. i’m sure you will be fine and back to your old self in no time. and btw, can’t see my moms scar at all anymore…
all of my love and best wishes. you are in my thoughts.
troy
troy said this on February 8, 2009 at 10:47 pm
Kelly, I know how you feel both with respect to “why me” and thank God if I have cancer, this is the type of cancer I have.
I too was given this bad news back in Sept “07. I still cant tell you what my doctor said during the half hour after he deliverd the “you have cancer” bomb. I am bumbed by the fact that you have to deal with this so young in life. It sounds like you have a solid support group around you which is most critical to your mental and emotional stability during this crises period.
I am now a year post treatment and my scans have been clear. Soon I will regard myself in full remission. Although technically we both have cancer that is grossly catergorized together; Head and Neck Cancer, my specific cancer was far more agressive (squamous cell) and I first caught it after it was regionally metastisized.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family
Lee Rebalko
Lee said this on February 9, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Kelly from the day I met you I realized your beauty radiates from inside. No one wants a scar, but as people have said. That can and most likely will go away. Your true beauty only gets stronger!
Hugs, Doug
Sherry said this on February 10, 2009 at 2:04 pm