Shift
Edit: I wrote this entry on April 5th but it obviously did not publish then.
There are times in your life when everything changes, a shift so profound it is hard to put into words. You recall that you indeed had a life before that moment but you do not recall how you existed without it…prior to it. It seems as if it has always been a part of you. And in that moment you know that nothing will ever be the same again. Priorities change, values change…you change.
You get married…shift.
You have children…shift.
Two months ago today I was diagnosed with cancer. It pains me to put my cancer into that life changing shift. The same shift I joyously use to describe the three most profound moments in my life – my marriage to Brian and the births of Katelin and Madeline. But still it is a shift – there is no joy, only pain and fear in that split second when you hear the words. It alters you in such a way that honestly I do not even think I can try to put it into words. I could never truly relay the way that it has changed me. As much as I long for my life prior to cancer I know that I am not the same person I was two months ago. And that is my silver lining. The knowledge that I am a better person today than I was before. My appreciation for each day, for what is truly important – it was all forever changed when my doctor spoke those words. And it continues to evolve with each step of this journey.
I have been trying to deal with the emotional side of it all lately. You spend so much time dealing with the surgeries and the medical aspect – what the tests say, what the doctors are telling you – that you wrap yourself in that to avoid the inevitability of facing it head on. I have broken down quite a bit this month. Because even though I am hopeful that this next treatment will be the end of my cancer journey, dealing with the knowledge that cancer resides in you is difficult to grasp. And the what ifs become worse than the actual cancer itself. I try to keep the what ifs at bay and concentrate on what we know today. One day at a time, one step at a time but sometimes it does get the best of me and that is okay. It would be unrealistic for me to expect myself to by Miss Sunshine and embrace my cancer, when in reality I want to pummel it. But you know me, if I am going to pummel something I am going to do it with grace and poise (and probably offer it a baked goody when I am through)!
